After four years of no contact and I can report that things I have never even contemplated are clearer and easier to resolve than before, which tells me it takes a while to get yourself back.
By healing yourself it gets a little clearer that you are really a worthy person that has been denied dignity, and I do think we should always push ourselves to get that resolved 100%. No matter at what age you find yourself, it is never too late! But it happens at a pace that you shouldn’t try to control. As a matter of fact I tried to do that, and it can backfire. Still, I learned from it.
Finding Real Relationships
What I can say now is that just because someone calls you their daughter, mother or sister, their son, brother or father doesn’t make them that. I have my own definition of what family members are. I have learned what they are, and then could not deny the fact that mine were not it. I have found that the more I seek out truly loving family relationships – even just observing them – is more healing than remembering what I encountered.
One day on You Tube I watched this daughter tell her father she was going to have a baby. He hugged her and didn’t let go. He held on to her telling her how much he loved her, how proud he was of her. Then they showed the father going to the hospital to see the baby. Then I remembered my father, who I think I felt sorry for me more then he loved me. He never congratulated me when I announced any of my 3 kids. Nor did he ever make an attempt to come to the hospital and his lame excuse, if even given one, was just to be accepted. I never even thought anything of it until I saw this guy on You Tube.
Comparison a Worthy Weapon
I have learned this has nothing to do with feeling sorry for myself or not forgiving. Comparison is a worthy weapon in the survivor’s arsenal. It may be validation, but for me that is just an inkling. Amazingly to me I have learned that you can get what you missed through observing the experience of other people receiving it. I could feel the love that father was bestowing on his daughter. I knew I did not have that, and that is completely okay. I saw it, I felt it and I know it exists, and it is wonderful. It is okay I did not have it, I am just so glad it exists. I cannot wait to find more of these wonderful events. It is a much better frame of mind than continuing to think: “why me”, and having to fighting that.
There Is a Lot More To Love
I spent two days reading blogs about good brothers too, for comparison. I was amazed to read about the things they actually did. It is a good thing to know. Now I am guilt free about cutting contact with my brothers, and nothing they can say to demean me for it will work. I know what good brothers do now, and mine do not do it. We are taught to love and forgive, I am learning there is a lot more to it than that.
There is good love and bad love and turning your back on bad love is the only way you will learn good love. I am starting to believe if you do not turn your back on bad love, it will destroy the good and will continue to live and destroy further down the generations. Walking away from bad love is something to choose, the right thing to choose. That kind of takes guilt out of the equation.
Do Not Fix What Is Not Broken
I have tried to fix myself, and it has been a long and winding, hard road which could only lead to the conclusion that I was broken and needed fixing. Not true! I was hurt and needed healing, a completely different concept. Observing what good love looks like, has been so much more fruitful and on top of that is has been so in a magnificently, enjoyable way. I am getting the delightful feeling that what you lost can be gotten in ways that will surprise and delight you. It takes a few times before you see the pattern, but what a normal pattern it seems to be! To a survivor of abuse, like me, it is a wondrous gift, full of light, healing and love.