It’s easy to fall back into repetitive patterns because we like the familiar. And sometimes people who knew us way back when want to keep reminding us who they think we are. Your mistakes are all lessons in the school of life. And sometimes healing can take a long time with major setbacks, like going back to an abuser for the 5th time.
As you navigate your healing, remember to be kind to yourself. There’s no point reminding yourself how stupid you think you are or how you might be unable to move forward from an abusive situation.
You Can’t Love the Abuse Out of the Abuser
In my case, I had to learn self-care and self-love. Sometimes the reason you keep going back and forth is because you don’t love yourself enough to look out for yourself. As least that’s how it was in my case. I had to learn to love myself. I had to stop thinking that if I sacrificed myself for other people, that somehow it meant I was a good person.
“Oh if I just love them enough….“
I’d say over and over again.
You can’t love an abusive person out of being an abuser. You can learn to love you. You can learn to be assertive. You can be kind but firm. And this doesn’t just apply to a partner. It extends to all relationships in your life.
I recently had a weird experience with someone I considered a dear friend. During our conversation, she brought up something from my past in an attempt to shame me. I was surprised for a bit then I felt sorry for her.
I have felt shame and guilt on a massive scale. Watching people who know nothing about you tear you down on such a huge platform like the Internet does something to you. How you come out of such experience can determine the rest of your life. You can let the energy drive you deeper into yourself where you start to ask questions like, “why am I here?” “Is there a God?” or “what happens when I die?”
Or you can succumb to the bullying, because that’s what it is.
There is massive bullying on the Internet, in churches, in relationships and among peers. And all this bullying is driven by a need to control people.
Be Kind to Yourself.
Know that it’s not your fault you fell for an abuser or stayed longer than you should have. As for the voices in your head, listen to them, honor them and let them go. Don’t condemn yourself and never feel like you are alone.
It’s tempting to hide our pain. It’s easier to mask it then to feel it. But if you can be courageous enough to feel your pain, if you can be willing to let it go through you, if you can force yourself to sit with your pain rather than ignore it, you will have a chance to transcend pain. You will learn to master it as opposed to being its slave.
Millions of people have been where you are now and a good number have come out stronger and better. Take one day at a time and remind yourself that you matter too.
One of the greatest lessons I learnt on my healing journey is that I can grow from pain and abuse.
Most emotional abusers are very predictable. The more you learn about emotional abuse, the easier it becomes to identify abusers and emotional abuse in general. But I didn’t learn all of it in one day. It took a while. It’s normal to take a while. In the end, you will be glad you allowed yourself feel your feelings and rise above it.
Today, I am an abuse researcher because I am deeply interested in helping others learn how to grow and transcend pain. When you truly begin to heal from abuse, you automatically want to help others heal too. The world can be a better place and it starts with you and your healing abilities.