Many survivors find that going no contact is the only option to protect themselves from the toxicity of abuse. It is particularly sad when you feel you have no choice but to cut you parents out of your life. I have been there, and it is no easy decision to reach.
When you do come to reach no contact, and you tell your parents not to contact you (or however you have decided on establishing no contact), there is a little voice inside you that hopes they will prove you wrong. Your inner-child still longs for the love of a parent, and hopes that they will be shocked into normal healthy behavior. You quietly hope that they will pull you into a hug, tell you they love you, and how sorry they are that you were hurt.
The truth is, it will never happen… because toxic parents are incapable of love, remorse and affection.
There are no quick fixes here, or real coping strategies. This is healing.
I often refer to this as ‘the orphan feeling’. You feel alone, and unloved. You feel nobody is willing to fight for you… When I get into that mood, there are a few things I try to do, to try and snap myself out of it.
1. Remind myself they never loved me. Remembering that, helps me understand (once more) that I am missing an idea of family, but not my family.
2. Think of my Family of Choice. Making a list of my closest friends, and how much they mean to me, helps me realize that I DO have family. People who love me, and will fight for me… I just don’t share any genetic material with them…
3. Do something relaxing with my partner or a friend. Spending some time with people who do in fact love you, is the best way to protect yourself from the chill of the orphan feeling. Even if it is just Netflix and cuddles…