Many survivors buy into the idea that the process of forgiving and letting go also means never getting mad about the abuse again. Nothing could be less true

3 Reasons It’s Okay to Get Angry

Why can’t you just let your anger go?

Aren’t you giving him power over you by being angry?

Just get over it.

I realized I had finally healed all I could from my ex-husband’s abuses when I could stop reacting to his behaviors and taking the bait he threw to get me upset. More importantly, I no longer cared what he did or with whom or where. That took a lot of doing. Almost 30 years of programming had to be undone to get to that point. Still, I would admonish and sometimes even berate myself for getting angry at certain things he did. After all, being healed meant no more being emotionally manipulated, right?

Get Mad! It’s Totally Okay

At some point, I realized that what I was doing to myself was demanding that I no longer be the person I am at heart. I was requiring myself to not stand up to bullying. I was expecting myself to no longer be indignant to wrongdoing. I was trying to force myself to stop feeling as protective toward my children as I did and do toward other vulnerable people. In other words, I was expecting myself to be superhuman.

It is more than okay to become angry at my ex-husband’s still-continuing demands and designs which directly take resources from my children. It is more than okay to be angry at his complete lack of interest in parenting these wonderful girls. It is more than okay to be utterly furious when I think of all the tens of thousands of dollars that have gone to lawyers instead of to my children’s educations and providing them with a comfortable home and top-flight health care. It is fully justifiable to become angry at the fact that this man’s behaviors caused me to be physically and emotionally compromised which took away from the energy I could give to my kids.

After careful consideration of what I call “healthy anger,” I’ve found three reasons why it’s okay to get angry and never feel guilty about it:

#1. – Get Mad About Injustice (You Know You Want To)

Likely if you are the target of an abuser, you are an empath. You deserve to continue to be true to what makes you a special human; that is, you are entitled to have a soft heart that becomes infuriated by the subjugation or maltreatment of anyone, including yourself and your children.

#2. – Get Mad About Lost Resources

Loss of resources that you work hard to earn and which makes it difficult or impossible to provide in the way you intend.

#3. – Get Mad About Losing Time and Attention

Get mad about the carrying on of such actions that take away from or compromise you and/or your children for a period longer than is rational or necessary; as in, once the legal order is granted, being dragged back into the fray over and over and over for pointless fights.

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean the End of Anger

You see, many survivors of abuse buy into the idea that the process of forgiving and letting go also requires them to never react or get angry about the abuse again. Nothing could be less true. You are still human and are entitled to rational feelings of anger about things that are just wrong. The same as I would be angry at seeing a parent who was abusing his child in public, I am entitled and in fact morally justified to become angry at my ex’s actions that rob from his children in any way.

I’m lucky in that I no longer have to deal with my ex directly. However, he has never stopped costing my children resources that should be for providing care and opportunities, with post-divorce actions alone costing me over $75,000.

Any rational person would find that obscene…and maddening.

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Aubrey Cole

Aubrey Cole

I survived a quarter century of psychological, emotional, economic and sexual abuse. When I got out, I vowed to help others do the same and founded the Emotional Abuse Survivors Network project in 2012. Now, I offer hope and healing to others on their journey as they rediscover themselves. My forthcoming books, Bodies in the Basement and Define Winning, chronicle my experiences, escape, and recovery. There is nothing so special about me that others can't emerge and thrive.
Aubrey Cole

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Many survivors buy into the idea that the process of forgiving and letting go also means never getting mad about the abuse again. Nothing could be less true

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