This week I was reminded once more of the devastating effects Emotionally Abusive Parents have on their children, even year after they are free of the abuse.
I am not trying to be gloomy here, there is healing, light and love for us.
It is just that this week I was reminded of how fragile we can become, when we are emotionally shattered into millions of little pieces. When we feel so utterly unloved and unlovable. When we feel it is our fault, when we feel we are always -always- wrong, bad, inadequate…
We can heal, we can thrive at life, we can fix ourselves… but all the amount of super glue and duct tape cannot undo the damage. We are mended, we can once again give and receive love… but we will always be fixed and never whole.
I understand now, that my parents were abusive. I understand what that was, and how it has affected me. I understand how it should have been different… at a rational level. But I will never know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally by your parents, your siblings… I will never know it, because I will never feel it.
I know love now, I know unconditional. I have gathered my soul sisters around me. I feel part of that family and it gives me peace of mind. It makes me feel loved, safe, and enough. I feel strong enough to reach out to my soul sisters when I feel weak, when I feel the pain, the panic and hear my parents’ voices in my head.
Because I have learned that it is not my fault, it never was. It is not my shame. However silly I feel, I never feel guilty about asking for help. Not anymore.
But there are so many of us out there, who haven’t found that. Who are still hearing the voices and feeling the shame. Who think they ought to be stronger. That it is their failure to have struggled today. That there is something wrong with them for missing a sense of family…
The fragile hearts of the survivors.
Be gentle with yourself.
Find your family of friends.
Don’t be afraid.
You are loved.