During a conversation recently it occurred to me that the assumption of the other person was that I had lost touch with my parents over a fight. That somehow I was mad at them, and ‘in a huff’. The tone of the conversation was “where two people fight, two are to blame” and “just be the bigger person“.
We are so eager to blame the victims in our society. If you just behaved a little different, dressed a little different… Perhaps it is our way of trying to convince ourselves we are in control. That this bad thing cannot happen to us, because we don’t behave or dress for it. Maybe it is just easier, than wrapping our brain around the idea that one human being could destroy another for no reason at all.
Just think of a time when someone you loved challenged your opinions or dressed ‘inappropriately’. Did it make you feel you should destroy them? Did you love them any less? Probably not. Those are not the thoughts of a healthy balanced person.
I can guarantee that it is nothing that the target does or wears that triggers abuse, because abuse has nothing to do with the target. An abuser will pick the easiest target, so anyone who is emotionally vulnerable will be prime meat. Other than that, the abuser could care less what your faults or insecurities are. They will pick up on them, and use them against you. Abuse is not personal, but it is certainly personalized.
Believe me, nobody in this world goes looking for abuse, nobody. Abuse is about losing your sense of self, your self-esteem, your confidence, your boundaries, your pride, your personality… It does not just destroy you, it annihilates you.
Nobody “causes” or deserves to be rubbed out of existence because of the way they behave or dress.