A Good Daughter
For so many wasted years I stayed close to my mother, because I thought who on earth would look after her if I didn’t? Well I had other siblings, but I always felt that it was me she relied on. Looking back I can see that is how she made me feel and I probably wanted to live up to that expectation, then she would know I was a good daughter.
With the twists and turns that happen so often in life, just in the nick of time came the revelation that she was an emotional bully and I had to go through every memory of my life and look and see what really happened. This was when I started to spread my wings. I realized I had a choice: I could fly and be free or stay and be forever shackled to her.
In my early 50’s this was not an easy or pleasant decision to make, and I worried so much that I was doing the wrong thing. However, inadvertently she helped me make that choice. She would not leave me in peace. She wanted me to know how lonely she was, how angry she was that I needed time away from her, and how I should not listen to what other people told me. All this because I wanted some counseling.
I found that at the very worst time in my life I gave up on my mother and chose to be free, I began spreading my wings to test their strength and whether they could hold the burden I had carried for all those years.
What Would People Think of Me for Leaving Her Alone?
Believe me this didn’t happen overnight, it took months before my wings were strong and I could trust them. When I did they took me soaring out of my family and guided me gently along a path I never knew existed. It was difficult to let go, even bad mothers are still mothers, and what would people think of me for leaving her alone? In the end my wings carried me away and changed my life entirely.
Sometimes it still hurts to know I turned my back on her, that she was never the person, the mother she should have been but without her my wings flew easily and helped me become the person I am today, free, loving and now able to use my wings to protect others who are on their own journeys.
I found SwanWaters at the very time I needed it, a place where other survivors live, and we are happily gliding along in each other’s company. Had I let my wings spread before I might not have landed here and ended up in a small pond still on my own. Here is a place I can heal and help others to heal too.