We posted a quote to our social media the other day:
Mental abuse is so much more painful than physical abuse, because you are consumed by your own thoughts
The echo of our abusers, that false programming I talked about a few days ago… it all means that the abuse continues even after we leave. There seems nothing we can do to stop it, especially because sometimes we aren’t even aware of our thoughts. They are just happening in the background while you are trying to work or do the laundry. Sometimes they are happening while we sleep! The abuser’s echoes are overwhelming, and can make you despair. On days when those echos are loud, the doubt may creep back in. Maybe she was right? Perhaps I could have done better, achieved more, fixed her… Maybe I can’t do any better, maybe I deserve this, maybe I am stuck…
It can be hard to get rid of those echos. It takes hard work, commitment, humor, patience and kindness toward yourself.
The first step I learned in overcoming the bully in my head, was to become more aware of my own mind. Through a journal, meditation, mindfulness, creative endeavors… there are a host of activities that help you reconnect with your mind and your feelings. Becoming aware of your emotional state, makes it easier to recognize when you are hearing the abuser’s echo. After all, when you are more familiar with your own voice, it becomes easier to hear the difference.
I still have days where the abuser’s echos overwhelm me. In fact, today was one of those days. It all just overwhelms me, it brings tears to my eyes. I have to remind myself that it’s okay, I have a new family. I have people who love me and support me. I also know that it is okay not to feel okay sometimes.