There is a beautiful cat who visits my garden and she is always playful and sweet. Today she came and was playing at the bottom of the steps. It seemed like she had a pet that she was cuddling and then there appeared a little mouse from between her front paws.

The mouse scurried away from her and she let it go but was watching it closely. Before the mouse could disappear the cat came up and batted it back towards the steps and then sat down with the mouse back between her paws, looking to all the world as though she loved the mouse with all her heart. This carried on for several minutes, giving the mouse the hope that it could reach freedom, but the cat was too wily for that, every time the mouse broke free she would just start the process all over again.

Then the cat having had enough play unceremoniously grabbed the mouse in her mouth and made off into the grass to devour her prey.

Trying to Reach Freedom

This might seem like a normal and natural event, but what happens when people start to play these games? For me, I know the desperation of trying to reach freedom, the chance to stop the abusive games being played on me and to live a happy life. All the time my mother would watch and wait. Whenever I would start to feel happy or gain strength she instinctively knew and would cut me down. Any friend or boyfriend I had she would tell me that they were not worthy of me, they would only use me and then made me throwaway the friendship I had yearned for.

As a child it was difficult to live with a mother who would promise me all lovely things, and when the appointed time would come there was an excuse as to why I didn’t deserve the treat. I hadn’t been well-behaved enough, I would ask too many times for something I wanted. I remember how desperate I was to have a Sindy doll, about three years later I got a Tressy doll, so it looked like I got what I wanted but I didn’t, I had also outgrown the desire of having the doll anyway.

I tried to work hard at school although I was never rewarded with praise, even at 9 when I was the top student in the class, my mother showed no enthusiasm about it. At that time the children in my class were told if they did well they would get a £1.00 which was an awful lot of money then. I was told you should always do your best without any reward. So now I had been thought of as greedy to add to all the other insults. Instead of being given a worthwhile message, I only received her constant criticism because I always disappointed her. The words “you are useless” echo in my head every day of my life.

My siblings were given items they wanted or needed for school and yet I was never treated the same, I was just handed platitudes instead to explain why I could not have the same, like trips abroad with the school.

Trapped Little Mouse

There are so many similar instances like that throughout my childhood. By my mother telling me it would be dangerous, or the warning I would be used by other people, she was giving me the message that she really cared. I know now that she didn’t care about me or wanted what would be good for me, she just wanted me to be there so she could take out her rages on the frightened little mouse. All the time I did what she wanted, she would tell me how good I was, just like the cat and the mouse, and just like the cat there was no way she was going to give me my freedom.
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  1. Profile photo of Nazrana

    May 5, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    Everything in this is my life, save for the siblings part. I felt so alone and helpless in my pain. I’m not sure if having siblings would have made it better or worse, but I’m sure glad no one else was tortured my mother and stepfather.

  2. Pingback: Why I Needed Everyone's Approval, And What I Did About It - SwanWaters

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