In the last few years that I have been away from my family, I can honestly say I have not missed any of them even for a single second. I have missed the idea of having parents and sisters, but not them. Not the actual people. That to me just show I made the right choice. If there had been love, there had been grief.
I may not have grieved the loss of my family members, I did go through a grieving process.
There are still days where the feeling just overwhelms me: I am orphaned by choice. I feel so utterly alone. It is my inner-child that cries out that she just wants a hug from a parent. A big hug and the reassuring words that everything will be alright. I feel sorry for that little girl, and I am sorry for everything she had to face at a time when she should not have had to be so grown-up.
I think that is part of the grieving process. The grief of a childhood lost, grief for that lost and sad little girl. Sometimes it is hard to connect to her. to give her that hug she so desperately needs.
When I was a child I used to hide in the walls of my parents’ house. They were doing construction, and I could just squeeze in after they removed the insulation. When I think of that my inner-child, that is the feeling and the image. Hiding in the dark in a desperate attempt not to have to go with my parents. Alone and trapped.
I remember only too well, and I cry my tears for that little girl.
I am sorry you felt so alone, so trapped, so unloved, so unworthy and so unsupported.
You can come out of your wall now, everything is going to be okay!