I remember it as if it was yesterday. The first time I read about narcissistic abuse. It was like reading a manual to my life. It felt both liberating and terrifying. It explained everything, and at the same time it hit home that it would never get any better.
Coming to terms with abuse, especially the non-physical aspects, is terrifying! It means admitting to yourself that your reality is in fact a fantasy, and a very dark one at that.
For me, it meant understanding and accepting that I was not part of a loving family. And even though I had already felt unloved and -in fact- unlovable for a long time, that was a hard fact to accept. I have never felt so alone in my life. It is like nothing in the world. It is not like leaving the nest, or having the nest destroyed. It is realizing there never was a nest to begin with. Everything you thought you knew about yourself and you personal history goes out of the window. Everything needs to be reexamined within the framework of this new found insight.
Of course at the same time, I felt the world open in possibilities I had never thought existed for me.
This is the Terrifying Euphoria
Even now, years later, the doubt can still creep in. The terror of not having a true history overwhelms me, and for a minute I want to accept the smoke screen that I used to believe. Maybe it wasn’t all bad? Maybe they did love me? I am lovable, aren’t I?
Luckily I have found a Family of Choice. The stronger the loving connections to this group of friends becomes, the less I feel the terror and the doubt.
I am creating myself from the ground up. I am learning to be me.