It seems you are already taking the most important step: compare notes!

Yes, toxic people and abusers often try to manipulate people and relationships by controlling information. By giving you different “versions of the truth” (although the truth is probably not included in either version) they are trying to manipulate how you feel about situations, and perhaps even cause arguments between you two.

Finding out that this is going on, is an important step. Keep the communication open, and keep sharing what your family tells you. Really make a point of this, and keep an open mind toward each other. Of course there are always differences in how you perceive things, but you will be able to tell the difference between interpretation and downright lies.

Depending on your exact situation, you can use your new found insight to confront (that’s funny, X mentioned that you had said Y) although that is probably more for your own sense of justice than the toxic person’s. They typically do not care that they are caught in a lie, and may even increase their efforts to make you miserable.

I want more like thisSo how does it help? Well…

  • It makes things between you and your partner clearer.
  • It helps making sense of what is going on.
  • It may prevent some unneeded arguments.
How you can stop them from doing it? You really can’t, but you can make it harder for them!

While attending family affairs, put up some boundaries. Don’t get to emotionally invested in the stories you are told, keep topics light and positive, and keep your partner close.

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