When we talk about a lack of emotional self-control, we usually think of anger. And we all have our days when we lose our temper, or cannot swallow the snarky retort. For the most part, we are able to control ourselves, and our emotional responses though. For toxic people, that can be a different game all together, at least behind the closed doors.
Since toxic people carry so much anger and rage in them, this emotion will be the first thing that jumps to our mind when we think of them not being able to manage their responses. Whether by shouting or by giving us the silent treatment, narcissistic rage is easily triggered and hard to deal with.
I remember when a close friend once accidently called my parents landline instead of my cell. It was near midnight, and he realized as soon as he finished dialing and hung up. The phone rang once, I sprinted out to my father’s office (since he was the only one still up) to tell him what happened (my friend was calling back, since his battery died, so I was expecting the call). My father shouting murder at me, and then proceeded to give me 10 days of silent treatment. Now, I understand that he was startled, a call at midnight is not a sign of good news usually. But it will have taken me less than 2 seconds to reach him and reassure him there was no emergency. For 10 days he refused to acknowledge my existence. Even though I apologized right when it happened.
This is where I think the lack of emotional self-control comes in. For most of us, even if an honest mistake startles or inconveniences us, we are able to just move on. We can self-correct our emotional state, and we do not need for the “transgressor” to “fix” us. For a toxic person, there needs to be a reckoning. It is like paying a fine for causing them emotional distress.