What I Remember Most is Feeling Unlovable


I think sometimes it is easier for an outsider to accept that someone has been a target of abuse when they have some bruises to show; perhaps it would be easier for the victim, too. I mean, at least that way the abuse would be undeniable (or at the very least less deniable).

Just like the abuser, the target is often trying to explain away what is happening. After all, the alternative is to admit that your parent or partner doesn’t love you. Or that you are just a pawn in the games your community leader or manager are playing. And what does that say about you and your life?

It doesn’t say anything about you. But the subtle game of blame and criticism that your abuser plays has taken hold in your life, making you feel like it’s all about just how unlovable you are.

That is one of the feelings I remember best: the feeling of being unlovable. It is a really awful feeling because it tells you that you deserve to be alone, miserable, and mistreated. It makes you feel that there is no way out. And this logic leads to questions like: if my partner or parent cannot love me, what chances do I stand with anyone else? Or If my church leader cannot see the good in me, is there any hope for spiritual redemption and unconditional love from a higher power?

As these messages take hold, you will treat yourself as unlovable, and don’t take care of yourself. After all, you don’t deserve to be cared for and loved, even by you.

This is quite possibly the hardest false belief to really heal from. Internalizing a sense of value and esteem within ourselves; a place where we have never even sought it? Some days it feels like an utter impossibility.

This particular post has been extremely hard to write. I keep leaving it because the feeling overwhelms me, yet again. I hear that voice again: you are worthless, who are you kidding by trying to convince yourself of anything else. If I am not careful that voice will make me give up, and hide in a dark room again.

So I look at my Healing Mindset Affirmations and go have a chat with myself in the mirror:  

You are adding something to this world, Mags. You deserve to be loved and happy.”

Click here to read this and more like it on the SwanWaters website.


Fly Free,

we love to read your comments below

While I may technically be the Director here at SwanWaters, my unofficial title is Healing Cheerleader! I’m a survivor of childhood emotional abuse and workplace bullying. And believe me when I say that I’ve walked the walk when it comes to healing from trauma. I firmly believe that we can undo some of the damage that abuse has done to us, and learn the necessary skills to handle life and all it brings us.

Latest posts by Mags (see all)


  1. Dustybuns

    December 30, 2015 at 4:23 am

    I just joined this website and have been poking around a bit. Most of what I’ve read is just so spot on with me- little snippets of my childhood and my marriage. And it’s a bit too raw for me to talk about just yet. But this post, Episode 11, just shot right through me. “Why would anyone love me when my mother doesn’t?” Was my personal mantra for the first 16 years of my life. Thank you for this post and this website.

    • Monkey

      December 30, 2015 at 9:32 am

      Glad you found us Dustybuns and I hope you find many more articles and blog posts that help your healing.


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