How can you trust yourself now, when you have so often let yourself down?

Sometimes I feel so stupid, and so guilty. The desperation of growing up in a toxic family has inspired some questionable choices. At times I had to prioritize the well-being of my family over my own. Not because I necessarily wanted to, but because the backlash would have been severe.

I gave in, I gave up, I never even bothered to try.

Manipulations, strategy and planning were the only tools that could help navigate the minefield. My head was like a war room, and you just know that some war crimes were committed in that room.

How can I trust myself now, when I have so often let myself down. When I stooped to their level, when I gave up on myself because I did not feel I was worth the effort?

This inner-monologue was one that I did not necessarily expect to have when I first started on my journey of healing. I had a vague understanding of working on self-esteem, on learning to trust my instincts. I did however not realize that I lacked a certain trust in myself. I had betrayed myself by staying in that situation, by allowing myself to be recruited as a Flying Monkey against my very self. I had let myself get hurt by the abusive echo’s in my head, by the manipulative advice I had decided to take on board.

Building trust with anyone who has broken it once before is a long and tricky process. It starts with forgiveness. I needed to forgive myself. I did not pick the emotional war room that was my head. I did the best I could in very difficult circumstances. I worked hard to manage it all, and I did eventually escape the war.

Once I accepted that, I could start building up that trust again. Trust in my judgement, my skills and my instincts.

There is no healing without self-forgiveness.

Fly Free,

Mags
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Mags
While I may technically be the Director here at SwanWaters, my unofficial title is Healing Cheerleader! I’m a survivor of childhood emotional abuse and workplace bullying. And believe me when I say that I’ve walked the walk when it comes to healing from trauma. I firmly believe that we can undo some of the damage that abuse has done to us, and learn the necessary skills to handle life and all it brings us.
How can you trust yourself now, when you have so often let yourself down?

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